Posts Tagged ‘miscarriage humor’

Life After Miscarriage: On Progesterone and Off My Rocker

I’ve been taking my progesterone pills for a week now. My face looks like a war zone, my bowels are in distress, and I’m pretty sure that a nitroglycerin plant could explode just outside my bedroom and I wouldn’t notice. I have a window of about 45 minutes between taking the pill and entering into a coma. On the plus side, I’m getting some great sleep.

Waking up the next day is a bit of a challenge and I think the extra hormones are eating brain cells because I left the pill bottle in my gym bag and left the gym bag in my car. If you want to know what I found when I opened the bottle that night, put a few jellybeans in the microwave for thirty seconds.

The next day, I sheepishly showed the pharmacist my ‘whoops.’ Her eyes popped out of her head and she said, “Wow. Oh. Hmmm.” Thanks lady. Yeah. I know I’m supposed to keep the pills in a cool dark place.

I watched her put the melted, rubbery yellow hunk in the palm of her hand and take it to the back to find out if they could replace the prescription with the ‘damaged’ feature of my insurance plan. You would have though she was carrying a tiny rhinoceros in the palm of her hand by the reactions of the staff in the back. Through the glass, I saw raised eyebrows and confused faces. Seriously guys. I can’t be the first person to have done this.  I’ve been really careful with my replacement pills, especially since I had to pay full price for half the pills.

I have three more days with this round. Then we wait for the magic to happen. Supposedly, my body will recognize the rapid decline in the hormone and Aunt Flo will show up. From there, we wait until cycle day 21. On that day, I run to the doctor without passing go and get my blood drawn. The results will tell us whether I am ovulating.

If I am, then I’ll continue taking the progesterone and hope that our routine — I mean our every-other -day romantic rendezvous’, result in a pregnancy.  If I’m not ovulating, then we have to make a decision about whether to start a course of egg-releasing pills.

Thanks a lot body. This is so much fun.

Life After Miscarriage: Reminders In The Mail

Some how, some way, Target found out I was pregnant. And so did Gerber Life, and American Baby Magazine, and Similac. Unfortunately, none of them got the memo that I’m not longer pregnant. My trip to the mailbox has become a daily reminder of that I should be getting ready to have a baby, not going to wine tastings and participating in adventure sports (I went whitewater kayaking a few weeks ago).

I got a huge ‘Celebrate Baby’ Target catalog today with a coupon that says “Free $20 gift card.” All I have to do is take the coupon and a printout of my registry to Guest Service at any Target store and they will give me a $20 gift card. Amazing! Oh what to do, what to do. Am I really going to pass up a $20 gift card when all I have to do is register for baby stuff?

This makes me wonder about registries. Could I start a baby registry and register for things that aren’t baby-related? What are the registry restrictions? I think at this point, I would register for the box of wine and a 500-count bottle of ibuprofen to get me through picking up the mail for the next several months. Then again, I could use the $20 gift card to buy a couple cheapie home pregnancy tests for future use.

What I really want to know is how do I get more of these catalogs with gift card offers on the back? I could create several registries under pseudonyms and rack up well over $100 in gift cards. This would take a little more work though. I’d probably have to monitor the customer service counter at Target for a few weeks to make sure I wasn’t always hitting the same guest services employee. More than one registry when I am so obviously not pregnant would probably raise a few eyebrows.

The Gerber Life Insurance Company offer isn’t nearly as much fun. The only thing I would actually get from participating in this offer is a Certificate of Welcome.  I actually have to fill out an application for my child though I don’t actually have to send any money now. There are big bold letters telling me “Send No Money!” My conscious won’t allow me to make up a name and date of birth, though it would be fun to write a prankster name like Carrie Oekey (karaoke).

Now American Baby magazine is actually very informative. I just read an article titled, “What No One Will Tell You About Being a Mom (But We Will!)” (June 2010) It scared the crap out of me. Heck, it actually made me a little happy I’m not pregnant. The article featured topics that start with “Why didn’t anyone tell me…” and end with “deafening howls can come out of such a tiny creature?” And “that no one mothers the mommy?” Or my personal favorite, “that discomfort does not end with childbirth?” Now this is the type of thing I don’t mind getting in the mail.

Hopefully you all understand that I’ve developed quite a snarky sense of humor from this experience. Oh wait. I had that before this experience.  Anyway…I suppose it’s a real sign of healing that rather than crying when I see the Target Baby catalog, my first thought is how to go about sticking it to Target and getting that $20 gift card!