- Keep in touch:
- (mis)Adventures in Reproduction: Diagnosing Bad Luck
- Simon Says “Let’s Stop Climate Change”
- (mis)Adventures in Reproduction: An Update
- Expecting Great Things: A Toast to the End of 2010
- Holiday Gifts for the TTC Gal in Your Life
- Holiday Musings from an Infertile
- Life After Miscarriage: How does this story end?
- Life After Miscarriage: Who is that in the mirror?
- Life After Miscarriage: The Place Where Pain & Grief Meet Closure
- Life After Miscarriage: Recovering from Surgery and More
Recent Blog Posts
Life After Miscarriage: Dreading the Due Date
It’s September and I should be 35 weeks pregnant. We should be putting the finishing touches on the nursery. I should be waddling like a penguin. My husband should be figuring out how to put a car seat in our vehicle.
If I was still going to a counselor, she’d probably say something about living for the future and moving on from the past. She’d probably tell me it’s time to let go of the “should have.” I know this. My head knows this. But wherever it is that rage, and anger, and anxiety live – that part of me doesn’t know it. That part of me sees October 29 speeding toward me. I am about to be in a head on collision with my due date and there is no way around it.
I wish Hallmark made cards for times like this. I should write them and tell them to nestle a section in near the sympathy cards. The marker could say something like, “Remembering Estimated Due Dates.” The cards would have stars and moons and say things like “Today probably hurts more than childbirth. I’m sorry.”
Life After Miscarriage: Just Where is the Grass Greener?
My husband and I went out for dinner the other night. We sat at a table for two overlooking the kitchen at one of our favorite restaurants. I sipped on a Cosmo and looked around, spying on the other diners. A few tables over, there was a young couple with a baby. The woman was giving the kid a bottle as her food sat off to the side. I swirled my martini around the glass, watching, wondering if she wished she was at a table for two sipping a cocktail and eating while the food was still hot. I asked my husband, “Is the grass really greener on the parenting side of fence?”
It occurred to me that as jealous as I am of couples with babies, maybe, just maybe there are a few out there who are a teensy bit jealous of us. Maybe that couple was looking at us thinking, “I remember when we used to go out to dinner and drink martinis and didn’t have to worry about where we were going to put the stroller, or if the baby would cry through the whole meal.”
Or maybe that mom who was standing next to me as I was buying my Size 0 pants the other day was thinking, “I remember when my butt used to fit into smaller clothes.”
Or maybe our friends who get up in the night to change diapers or feed a crying infant think about us sleeping in until 9:00 on the weekends and say, “I’d give anything to sleep past 4:00 in the morning.”
My girlfriend, a working mom of two, reminds me all the time that though the joys of parenting are great, there’s something to be said about being a youngish couple without children. I love it when she says things like “See what you have to look forward to,” as she tries to wrestle her toddler into a highchair.
The other day we were out at a coffee shop with her two and half year old. We were talking about ovulation predictor kits when she stopped mid-sentence, looked at her son and said, “Are you pooping?” We put our conversation on hold as she checked his diaper and carted him off to the bathroom. I stayed at the table, kept my eye on the plastic dinosaurs and the Buzz Lightyear doll, and started thinking, maybe life without children isn’t so bad.
I mean, we do have a pretty sweet life. I took a two hour nap a few days ago and when I got up, I poured myself a glass of wine. I sat on my couch and read Cooking Light and listened to the sound of silence. Not once did I think, “I really wish there was a baby crying for me to feed it this very second.” I also didn’t think, “It sure would be nice to change a diaper right now.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not changing my tune. I still want to start a family, and seeing pregnant women still makes my heart hurt. But I’ve decided, a baby isn’t going to make my life perfect and it’s probably not going to make me happy, especially in the short term. I don’t know how many people smile through a diaper blow out, a 2:00 AM feeding, or a colicky wail.
The whole subject of whether being a parent makes a person happy is hotly contested these days. A recent, controversial article in New York magazine cites numerous studies that show, statistically speaking, parents are less happy than non-parents. If I was a parent, this article would irritate the heck out of me. But as a non-parent, as a woman who has recently been through the trauma of a miscarriage, and as someone now on the verge of diagnosed anovulation, the article gives me strength to get out of bed, put on my size 0 pants, drink a Bourbon and gingerale at a table for two, and do it all with a smile on my face.
Top 10 Tips on Running Errands (with a baby)
On The Brady Bunch, Carol never had to do anything without help. Alice did the shopping with her, cooked dinner with her, and made herself the butt of a lot of the jokes (supposedly so Carol never looked dumb). In the real world, you’re probably going to do most of these things on your own (though hopefully with help from hubby?) The cupboards may be stocked with goodies, the pantry may be filled with treats, but it seems like there are always errands to be run. And guess what? You don’t have to do them alone. Now you get to do them with a heavy, irritable, impatient infant. Here are 10 survival techniques to get you through what used to be an easy trip to the supermarket:
- Feed your little one before leaving the house. An obvious one, we’re sure, but an easy-to-forget-until-the-last-minute detail.
- Have a checklist of baby traveling needs (i.e. pacifier, diapers, etc). This list will either be mental or physical, depending on your propensity for anal-retentive behavior.
- If driving, pack stroller and/or hammock, satchel, papoose, or other means of transport. If walking, put baby in one of the aforementioned devices.
- Don’t forget the diapers and wipes. Again, don’t forget diapers and wipes. A yucky tushy will cause a very yucky outing. (Oh, and don’t forget the diapers and wipes!)
- Pack an extra ensemble (no, not for you) for the peeing, pooping, spitting up, and drooling tot.
- Have your shopping list, itinerary, and traveling route prepared. You don’t want this taking any longer than it needs to. Plus your baby brain hasn’t been remembering things too well recently, now has it?
- Have your distraction device handy – toy, music-maker, white noise machine, etc. You can only “Shhhh” so much into the car seat behind you, before accidentally running over someone’s Dachshund (a guilt-ridden and costly mistake).
- Bring your hands-free device. If baby sleeps through any of this trip, it may be your one chance to catch up with a friend all day.
- Make your first stop one through the drive-thru Starbucks. A venti beverage of your choice will certainly put a little kick in your step (unless, of course, you’re refraining from caffeine while nursing, in which case, get something huge and herbal)
- Meditate. Before leaving the house, don’t forget to meditate. This will not be a walk in the park (no matter how many times you’ve thought that “this time it will be different!”)
Sex After Baby
Vaginal or c-section, sex after a baby will be different. The doctor won’t let you have sex for 6-8 weeks after your baby’s birth, so you don’t have to think about it immediately anyway. But when you do, it may be easier (or more difficult) than you imagined.
Your physical discomfort from your vaginal delivery may make it hurt for some time. The achy-ness of your c-section incision may also be a physical hindrance. What else? Your boobs used to be just for fun – now they have a (very un-sexual) job. Your baby is sleeping in the crib right next to you. Your baby is crying in the crib right next to you. When your partner talks dirty and says, “I want to *&^% you on the beach”, you think, “But who will take care of the baby??” You may also have left over consequences of having a baby, like your hemorrhoids, vaginal discharge, and your hair is falling out. These things make you feel terribly un-sexy.
And you’re so tired! You’re so tired that the last thing you want to do is slip into sexy lingerie (like your husband asked you to) and act like you’re young and frisky again. You may just have to go easy on yourself. Maybe you won’t have sex for another month. Or another month after that! This won’t mean that your relationship has fallen in the pooper. It means that you have other priorities (but you still love one another) and you’re tired (but you still love one another) and you’re thinking about the baby (but you still love one another) and you just want to go to bed.
And if you want to take a whack at it, remember these important things:
- Lube
- Patience
- Don’t wake the baby
Am I in Labor?
How will you know you’re in labor? Much like life, labor isn’t usually what it looks like in the movies. You already have plenty on you mind, and now you have to wait around, often beginning a whole two weeks before your due date, wondering, “Am I in labor??”
Here are things that may happen leading up to you going into labor:
- Dilation (opening of the cervix)
- Effacement (ripening of the cervix)
- Bloody show (loss of mucous plug)
- Nesting (suddenly wanting to paint the nursery)
- You water breaks (rupture of membranes)
- Contractions
In the movies, a woman will be walking through a department store, when suddenly a gallon of water falls from somewhere up her skirt, and onto the floor. This is certainly not common. For most of us boring folk, we first noticed we were in labor when we had contractions. The confusing thing is, though, that you’ve probably been having contractions on and off for a while, so how do you know this is it? Here are questions you can ask yourself:
- Are the contractions regular?
- Do they start to last longer, get stronger and closer together?
- Does walking make them stronger?
- Do they continue, despite moving or changing positions?
- Did they start in the lower back and move to the front of your abdomen?
If you answered yes, then you’re in labor, friend. If you answered no, then go take a walk through a department store and see if you can make a splash.
Life After Miscarriage: One Step Forward and Two Steps Back
For as many steps as I’ve taken toward moving on, there are still days where I feel like I’m caught in quicksand.
No matter how much I work, or how many weekend trips I plan, or how many runs I do in the morning, no matter how much I fill my day planner, I cannot escape the miscarriage. I’ve tried my best to fill my life with work, and friends, and church, and books, and magazines, and exercise. I’ve tried not to leave any room for grief. But somehow, it keeps finding its way in.
If I’m quiet for one moment, I slip into a daydream where I imagine myself six months pregnant or decorating a nursery. I catch myself imagining my husband rolling over in the morning and kissing my big belly, whispering to our son or daughter.
I fall into pockets of sadness in the mundane moments of my life – just today, in the simplest act of wiping down the sink after rinsing dishes. I had to turn away from my husband because I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes. I know he could sense something was wrong but there’s nothing I can say that will help him, or anyone understand.
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