“Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life always makes more. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
This week should have been the week that changed my life forever.
The nursery doesn’t exist. There is no car seat in the back of our Altima. I don’t have closet full of tiny hangers or a dresser full of diapers. There is no bassinet, no baby monitor, no rocking chair.
There’s just me and my husband, and the ghost of our baby who was due on October 29. I’ve been waiting for this week not so I can forget, but so I can give closure to this pregnancy. It’s time and I am ready.
I feel strongly that the baby was a boy so I named my son. I wrote his name on his ultrasound picture and placed it inside his baby blanket (lovingly stitched by a good friend), along with a pair of booties, and his pregnancy date wheel. On his due date, I will write him a letter and sign it “Love, Mom.”
It’s not much but it’s my memorial to his time in my life. His tiny beating heart forever changed who I am and I’m grateful that for nine weeks, I was his. He will always be mine. My first. My son. Abraham.