Life After Miscarriage: A Frustrating Existence

This month,  we should have been buying nursery furniture. We should have been painting the bedroom, transforming it from gift wrapping room to soft, comfortable space with a crib, and a rocking chair and tiny hangers in the closet. Instead we’re wondering when, or even if, we’re going to be able to conceive again.

If I had to pick one word to sum up the past four months of my life it would be “frustration.”

• On March 22, I was frustrated that my doctor couldn’t tell me anything more hopeful than there was a 50 percent chance that I would miscarry.
• On March 29, I was frustrated that the child I dreamed about holding at Thanksgiving was gone.
• On April 8, I was frustrated because my body continued to hold on to the remains of the baby.
• On April 9, I was frustrated because the Misoprostal didn’t work and I had to take another dose.
• On April 13, I was frustrated because I was caught off-guard at work with the brunt of the miscarriage.
• On April 23, I was frustrated because it was supposed to be the end of my first trimester.
• On April 27, I was frustrated because there was still a significant amount of HCG in my blood stream.
• On May 16, I was frustrated that a month worth of days had passed and I still hadn’t had a period. (It finally arrived on June 16).
• On July 16, I was frustrated because my second cycle had not yet arrived.
• On July 20, I was frustrated because I had a negative pregnancy test but still no period.

And on July 22, I called my doctor. “Uhh. Hi Betty. It’s Emily. I’m on Cycle Day 38. I’m really frustrated. How am I supposed to conceive again if I’m not having regular periods?”

I have a doctor’s appointment in a few days.