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questions-after-miscarriage-where-do-i-find-support

Questions After Miscarriage: Where Do I Find Support?

Between social mediums like Facebook and Twitter and websites like Craigslist and MeetUp, connecting with people who have similar interests and experiences has never been easier. Don’t believe me? Head on over to Meetup.com and try this experiment. Search for “working moms.” There are more than 3000 groups worldwide that meet under that topic. Now try “stay at home moms.” More than 4000 groups meeting!

Try this same experiment with “pregnancy loss” and you’ll likely receive the same message I did: “Sorry, no matches found for ‘pregnancy loss’ within 100 miles of your zip code.” Well I’ll be darned.

Not having luck with finding local support groups, I decided to head to a bookstore to look for books about coping with pregnancy loss.

The woman at the service desk in Barnes and Noble looked nice enough and I thought I could trust her with my secret so I said, “I’m looking for books about miscarriage.” I waited for her to grimace or flinch under the weight of that awful word. I had imagined her look of pity. Instead, I got nothing. I might as well have asked her where I could find the dictionary section.

She led me to the back, far corner of the bookstore. I followed her thinking, “How appropriate. A corner where I can browse through my tears for the perfect book on how to cope with the loss of my unborn child.”

The section also had books about other taboo subjects like menopause and anxiety. We were able to find exactly one book. One. “Really?” I asked. “There’s no other section? Maybe near the family planning area?” She offered to go check the inventory while I stood there and scoured the shelf thinking maybe she missed it.

For all of the information on conception and pregnancy, there is a fraction of information available on the topic of miscarriage. A search for pregnancy books on Amazon yielded nearly 24,000 results. A search for miscarriage books yielded 901.

The woman came back and said, “I can order one for you.” I declined.

At home I logged into my local library website, something I was avoiding because I have overdue fines from the prenatal yoga DVDs I checked out and was late returning. The library carried a small selection of books (more than I thought they would considering it’s not a well-funded or large library). “Oh good,” I thought, clicking on the first title.

“Due on May 13,” flashed on the screen.

“What? Whaaaat?” I clicked on the next title. “Due on May 13.” The third title: “Due on May 13.”

The library had 3 books and they were checked out! There was a woman, somewhere in my locality, who had checked out these books. Where is she? Who is she? Will she be my friend?

Desperate for a connection, to hear from other women who have been through this experience, I continue to search for local support groups and to lurk on online pregnancy loss boards. I have what seems like thousands of questions. When? What did you do? How long did you? What did your doctor say? What were your HCG levels? How long did it take you to? How did you? Who did you? What did she say? What about?

I don’t know where I’ll find my answers, or my comfort for that matter. It just seems that I shouldn’t have to look so hard.

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5 Responses to “Questions After Miscarriage: Where Do I Find Support?”

  1. ukcavill ukcavill Says:

    On my facebook news feed, someone I knew from high school posted the following status update:
    “IN MEMORY of all babies born sleeping or whom we have carried, but never met, or held in our arms for a shortperiod of time. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won’t do it. Break the silence. In Memory of all babies, gone too soon, but never forgotten.”

    Interesting that the silence issue comes up, even on facebook. It is obvious that it is time for a change.

  2. Julia Julia Says:

    I know this post was back in May but I am sure still very fresh to you, I just came across your blog today. I too had a miscarriage at the end of august, 2 D&C’s later I feel like a fraction of the person I once was. Feeling lost I also went to Barnes and NOble and headed to the Family Planning section, with no success a women finally lead me over to the HEalth and Disease section, where I guess I know belong. I found one book between a menopause book and one titled What to Expect When Your Not Expecting….harsh. I have no finished reading your blog, but I will, I know it doesnt make it any easier for you to know this, but your helping me and your words make me feel like this awful cruel thing that is happening is a little easier to take. I wish you all the luck and happiness

  3. Katrina Katrina Says:

    Hi Emily,

    I have just begun to read your blog. I am actually a graduate student in Conflict Management. I am currently researching the development of miscarriage follow-up services in the Atlanta area because as your search for support confirms, there is nothing. Grrr… This is a topic of interest to me because at 26, having many friends and family members having gone through the same thing, I wanted to learn more. Also, all the women in my family: my mother and her 7 sisters have all had their first pregnancy be a miscarriage. Of course, leads me to wonder if that will occur with me. I look forward to reading your blog further, and I would love to chat with you sometime regarding your experience with the medical staff and finding support. Thank you.

  4. Monna Payne Monna Payne Says:

    Hi Emily,

    I just experienced a miscarriage last week – that resulted in massive hemorrhage, blood transfusions and an emergency D&C. I felt so grateful to be alive when I was released. After being home a few days I wrote the story here http://organicmamacafe.blogspot.com/2011/02/miscarriage-and-unexpected-turn-of.html?showComment=1298618193044#c7657306643578979152
    to keep it from playing over and over in my head. It gave me nightmares and kept me up at night. Writing seemed to help with that I am amazed by the lack of support for miscarriage recovery. Everyone keeps telling me it’s a silent pain and I’m starting to understand why. Thank for for not staying silent. This is so encouraging. God Bless.

  5. admin admin Says:

    Monna, I just read your story. What an amazing story and what how beautifully written. I’m so sorry for your loss and your extra trauma from an already heartbreaking event. So glad that you’re ok now and that you can focus your attention on your little ones. There are miscarriage support groups out there (try yahoo groups) but mostly you will likely find many other women who have been in your shoes (though without the extra stress you had) and their stories can help you heal too. I know it helped me when I had a miscarriage several years ago.
    Wishing you lots of love, support and happiness in the days to come.
    -Leila from Pea in the Podcast




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