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Dear Body: An Open Letter

Dear Body,

I’d like to talk with you about what you put me through over the past month. You see, I’m pretty upset with a certain sector we’ll call my reproductive system and so I thought I’d just get it off my chest by writing this letter.

I’ve always marveled at the way that you just knew what to do every month. I’ve always appreciated how punctual you were and really, how predictable. I mean, how can I argue when I know exactly when to expect my monthly cycle to start and end? You were so good about that, even when I took away your friend oral contraceptive. Of course, you did pout for about 45 days after I stopped taking the birth control, but then you decided to pull it together and we were regular.

I was quite pleased with your regularity because it meant that I could plan a little surprise for you. As you know, in February, I introduced a little friend of my husband’s to our good friend, little egg. The two immediately fell in love and snuggled right into the uterus.

Boy, I was so excited to find out that the two were getting along, even though their soiree upset some of my other body parts, like my digestive track who became depressed and slowed down, and my breasts who were quite sore. Nonetheless, I was more than happy to put up with their shenanigans because it meant that something wonderful was happening inside.

About 8 weeks in, I found out that our two small friends, though deeply settled inside me, were having a bit of an argument. Turns out, they were playing a game of “Go Fish” with their chromosomes and well, I don’t have the whole story, but apparently, they weren’t playing with a full deck. At some point, someone had had enough and decided to stop playing.

The problem for me is that I was really counting on these guys having a pretty good friendship. When I found out that they weren’t getting along, it sent me reeling. To make matters worse, the uterus was out to lunch. Even though our little friends quit playing together, the uterus didn’t kick them out! Can you believe it?

You know what happened next. I had to send in a bouncer called Misoprostal. He’s a pretty mean agent, but not as mean as dilation and curettage so I guess you’re pretty lucky I didn’t have to send him in!

Luckily, Misoprostal got everything out of the uterus. I had a good look inside today and it seems like it’s pretty empty in there again.

So body. What’s next? Do you think we can get back on track?

Here’s a little play by play I’d like you to follow. Don’t worry, this month is a practice run. I understand that you haven’t run this play in nearly three months and you need time to make sure everyone is back on board.

Here’s the strategy: You send out an army led by the Captain FSH (you know, the follicle stimulating hormone). FSH usually works with Sergeant LH (the luteinizing hormone) and in the past have been pretty effective at stimulating the ovaries.

Sergeant LH should know when to call in Admiral Estrogen and Private Progesterone who will tell the uterine lining to prepare it’s self for implantation. Make sure the Private knows to tell the uterus not to panic. It’s not getting a tenant for at least another month. This is just a drill.

You got this so far? Good. Let’s move on.

The ovaries should wait for the command from Sergeant LH and Admiral Estrogen and when cued, should fire off a mature egg.

The mature egg should march down into the fallopian tube and into the uterus. I’m sorry to say that none of my husband’s friends will be joining the egg so she is going to have to take one for the team. Give the uterus about two weeks. It will get direction from Admiral Estrogen and Private Progesterone to shed it’s lining.

That’s it. Not too difficult, right? Hopefully, everyone remembers what to do. I’ll be waiting out here.

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