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Questions after a Miscarriage: Why Do I Want a Baby?

“Why do you want a baby?” There it was; the question that left me speechless.

There I was. Back in the psychologist’s office and facing the one question I never thought about answering. “Why do I want a baby?”

I looked across the room at her, blinked a few times, and said, “That’s a good question.” And then I laughed. I laughed because I legitimately didn’t have an answer.

And now, I can’t stop thinking about it. Is there a right answer to this question? There are definitely some wrong answers, at least according to pop psychologist and TV talk show host Dr. Phil. He writes on drphil.com that a child should be wanted, not needed. “Don’t give a child a job before they’re even here — the job of saving your marriage, of making your spouse settle down, of living out your unfulfilled dreams.”

Good advice Dr. Phil.

At least I can sincerely say that I want a baby; I don’t need one. I just don’t know why I want one.

I’m not a person inclined to want. I have a four year old cell-phone and it doesn’t cross my mind to want a new one. My car has nearly 110 thousand miles on it and I don’t want a shinier, newer model. My closet doesn’t have the latest trendy clothes from an expensive retailer and I truthfully don’t want those things anyhow.

I guess I haven’t thought about wanting a baby because “want” to me has always meant something material and in the case of a baby, it means something different. It’s the desire to give myself to something meaningful. It’s the desire to be something more than a married couple: the desire to be a family. It’s weekend walks with the stroller. It’s family fun night at the ballpark. It’s Christmas’s with Santa Claus and Easter with the Easter Bunny. It’s all the things I remember from my childhood like big family parties and vacations, running through the grass behind my grandmother’s house, and simply being loved more than anything in the whole world.

I want, more than anything, to give that to someone else. I want to take all the love that’s been given to me and to share it. That’s why I want a baby.

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