It’s funny how you can look back on situations and realize that all along something was just not right. Inisde, I think I knew that this pregnancy would not make it out of the first trimester and I think that’s why I had so much anxiety about it. Of course, I was praying that I was just paranoid and nuerotic and that everything would be fine. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I had my follow-up ultrasound today and no heartbeat could be detected.
As I sit and write this, it hardly seems like I’m writing about myself, but rather, a woman whose experiences I’ve objectively observed and reported on for the past 8 weeks. “The woman, 29, got off the examination table as emotionless as she got on. She slowly dressed and waited to feel something, sadness, emptiness, remorse; instead, she felt nothing.”
I don’t know what to feel. Aren’t there stages of grief? I think denial is near the top. I’m not going to lie, the thought has crossed my mind that the ultrasound was wrong, that my uterus is tilted, that the detector that picks up sound is broken. I know in my heart none of that is true. And I know that I have at least several more stages of grief to go through.
I cried in my mom’s arms (my husband is in California on a business trip), more out of a sense of “Now what?” than anything else. The doctor who spoke with me today said it could take up to three or four weeks to have this miscarriage naturally. She explained how it would happen and physically, what I would feel. She said that if it doesn’t happen soon enough for me, I can take a pill to induce it. I find this option slightly strange, almost wrong but it’s not one I’m ruling out because if there is one thing that’s worse than finding out your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat, it’s waiting weeks for the miscarriage to happen naturally.
I want to thank everyone for following my journal. And I want to thank you for all the kind comments and prayers you have sent my way. They meant more to me than you can know. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but as one reader put it, hopefully this will be a blip on the radar to motherhood.