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The End of This Road: Dealing With Miscarriage

It’s funny how you can look back on situations and realize that all along something was just not right. Inisde, I think I knew that this pregnancy would not make it out of the first trimester and I think that’s why I had so much anxiety about it. Of course, I was praying that I was just paranoid and nuerotic and that everything would be fine. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I had my follow-up ultrasound today and no heartbeat could be detected.

As I sit and write this, it hardly seems like I’m writing about myself, but rather, a woman whose experiences I’ve objectively observed and reported on for the past 8 weeks. “The woman, 29, got off the examination table as emotionless as she got on. She slowly dressed and waited to feel something, sadness, emptiness, remorse; instead, she felt nothing.”

I don’t know what to feel. Aren’t there stages of grief? I think denial is near the top. I’m not going to lie, the thought has crossed my mind that the ultrasound was wrong, that my uterus is tilted, that the detector that picks up sound is broken. I know in my heart none of that is true. And I know that I have at least several more stages of grief to go through.

I cried in my mom’s arms (my husband is in California on a business trip), more out of a sense of “Now what?” than anything else. The doctor who spoke with me today said it could take up to three or four weeks to have this miscarriage naturally. She explained how it would happen and physically, what I would feel. She said that if it doesn’t happen soon enough for me, I can take a pill to induce it. I find this option slightly strange, almost wrong but it’s not one I’m ruling out because if there is one thing that’s worse than finding out your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat, it’s waiting weeks for the miscarriage to happen naturally.

I want to thank everyone for following my journal. And I want to thank you for all the kind comments and prayers you have sent my way. They meant more to me than you can know. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but as one reader put it, hopefully this will be a blip on the radar to motherhood.

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7 Responses to “The End of This Road: Dealing With Miscarriage”

  1. Katie Katie Says:

    Oh Emily, I’m so sorry to hear this. But just know it happened to me and about 50% of all the women I know. It happens all the time but that doesn’t make it easier, specially when you didn’t know that before you went into it. I hope you get all the support you need at this hard time and start planning for the next time around. This time you’ll be all the more prepared for the first stages. Also, do some prepping for the natural miscarriage. It can be somewhat painful, almost like labor pains, so be prepared and ask your doc if your cramps are getting painful, she can prescribe a pain reliever. Best of luck to you. Hope we see you here again writing in your sooo cute style when you’re pregnant again.
    HUGS!
    Katie

  2. Nicole Nicole Says:

    I am so sorry to see this. What a tragedy for you. Please take good care of yourself.

    One practical note: Do not hesitate about taking the pill to induce the miscarriage. Letting it happen “naturally” can be very painful, which can make your recovery process even more agonizing. I speak from experience here, having miscarried my first pregnancy (at age 29!), trying to do it naturally, living in agony for a week, and finally getting a chemical procedure after that week.

    I did go on to have two successful pregnancies after my miscarriage, but that doesn’t lessen the loss.

  3. Bernadette Bernadette Says:

    I really do feel for you, Emily. I miscarried in 2008 and was devastated for a long while. I too was blogging about my first pregnancy for my friends and family, and I was mortified, depressed–pretty much every negative emotion–when I had to announce my miscarriage. The best thing to come of my very public miscarriage was the outpouring of love and support I got. For example, in my division at work there are 5 women, and 4 of us (including myself) had miscarried their first pregnancies. I hope that this very public tragedy will result in getting you the support you need at this time.

    This story has a very happy ending. Two weeks ago I successfully delivered a healthy baby girl after an easy pregnancy and uncomplicated birth. The fact that you have been able to get pregnant is a very good sign that you can do so again. Sending you lots of good thoughts!

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